Dream Christmas Gifts

I wouldn't be surprised to see this in the Neiman Marcus Christmas Catalog.

It's the Jelly-fish 45, a 6 person floating "house." The bottom of the 5 levels is underwater, giving you a living room with a 360° view of the sea life. Yours, for only $2.5 million.

I'm not really sure how the legalities work about parking your house, but when they start having undersea trailer parks, sign me up!

"The Onion" style vacation report

Tourist faces criminal charges, awaiting extradition if found

A woman identified only as "Frau A" returned to Munich from a two-week holiday in the Maldives, but now has more problems than just sorting out hundreds of vacation photos.  Rather than simply enjoying a quite time in this island paradise, locals are claiming that she was a serial stalker that did nothing but harass inhabitants day and night.

According to Maldivian authorities, a large number of grievances were logged on Rangali Island and its surrounding reefs.  Reports indicate that Frau A routinely followed and photographed victims for hours at a time, even into in their private homes.  Nobody was spared - the list of complainants includes nearly every size, age, and race found among the natives.

The most chilling examples from her victims are described below:

"I was just hanging out under my favorite coral, when Frau A comes out of nowhere and sticks a camera in my face."

"I just try to blend in and mind my own business, but she has an eagle-eye and always finds me."

"I'm not colorful or flashy like others in the neighborhood, but Frau A poked her camera in my home anyway.  The surgeonfish and parrotfish must be tormented."

The experience left some residents so traumatized that they would only peek their heads through doors to speak with the news.  "Even my security system didn't help.  I'm afraid to let the kids outside."

"At least some clowns out here have a place to hide.  I'm stuck looking for holes in the coral."

"It's terrifying.  How would you feel to round a corner and be faced with this???"

Indeed, Frau A appears to be a highly sophisticated fauna-paparazza.  She employs the latest technology in her quest to capture images of locals.  Here she is seen with a kit of compressed air, 2-stage regulators, and buoyancy compensator to reach normally uninhabitable regions.

Even the toughest residents were unnerved by her incessant photography.  "It's cliched, but I tried crawling under a rock.  No luck - there she was again."

For some, the stakes were even higher.  "I felt pretty secure, until I heard that she planned a lobster barbeque on the beach.  It's not fair!"

The loudest complaints came from the stingray community, where accusations included unwanted groping.  "She put her foot over my favorite resting place, so I had to swim up and rest on it.  I felt violated."

Not all share the same viewpoint, however.  "I followed her around a bit - she's not so bad.  Just didn't give me any handouts, is all."

The Rangali Island Neighborhood Watch program has asked for your help - let the authorities know if you were stalked and photographed by this woman.  Be careful, she is considered camera-ready and dangerous.

Update:  Law enforcement has learned that Frau A worked with an accomplice called Herr J.  They want to find him and bring him in for questioning.  "Protective shell or not, I knew he was out there... helping her... looming..."

Eccentric Gazillionaire Dreams

What crazy things would you do if you were an eccentric gazillionaire?

A lot of people would have sharks with lasers à la Dr. Evil, or just sharks under the living room floor like Vector from "Despicable Me". After a couple of weeks at the beach, I know what I would do:

I want a reef-sized "aquarium" with lots of Triggerfish.  Some sharks would be cool, too, but I really want Triggerfish. They're not only beautiful, but highly intelligent and seeming to have distinct personalities.

I'd have lots of the cute little blue scaredy-cat Red-Toothed Triggerfish that hide in mini caves....

Red-Toothed Triggerfish

...more Red-Toothed Triggerfish (one of the four has already slid into a hole to hide)...

....adorable little Picasso Triggerfish....

Picasso Triggerfish

...brightly painted Clown Triggerfish.....

Clown Triggerfish...interestingly colored Orange-lined Triggerfish....

Orange-lined Triggerfish

....and of course, the big smart Titans that root around everywhere and just look squeezable.  Wouldn't he be an entertaining pet? 

I took this video while snorkeling through the reef just off our room's beach. He also has an Orange-lined friend there to catch his scraps.

Also there will be rays that I can raise from babies to know me and feed in the morning.  And Herr J wants a pet octopi or two.

Ray hiding in the sandHowever, this requires lots of space and diverse terrain.  Triggerfish need space because they don't play well together (putting it nicely).  The Red-Toothed ones need deeper water and walls with lots holes to hide in, while the Picasso are happy with a small coral formation shallow water. And the rays need a nice shallow sandy area to hang out.

More importantly, as I learned from watching one last week, Triggerfish eat hermit crabs, and hermit crabs are kinda cute. And of course I want to keep both of them.  This is where both the "eccentric" and the "gazillionaire" part are important, because the only solution I see is to get custom manufactured military grade ceramic shells for the hermit crabs to protect them from the Triggerfish. In a wide range of sizes to allow for growth, of course. 

(All of the above pictures are ones I took diving or snorkeling in the Maldives)

I think for now I'll keep diving and will see about Umbra's cool stackable fish condos, but I'm curious to know all of your eccentric gazillionaire dreams.